About Mom at Christmas

  Christmas tree ornaments, I miss the ones she gave me when Moria was a baby. She sneaked them off of my tree in Emmitsburg after I took her to New York for a Star Trek convention where she met several stars and she and my in laws stayed at the Penta hotel. I paid for the entire trip, including her round trip train fare from South Carolina and all of our meals . When she got home from the train and called me and said " by the way, I took back my tree ornaments". Freaked me out. They had been a Christmas gift years earlier, not a loan. I never could guess what she was up to. 😱

Some days

 

some days I just can't win. I have been so depressed, I just had to go back to bed and try to pray. I struggled with the rosary prayers and just had to cry. It wasn't because of my pain, which was pretty bad due to being late with my morning meds, but mainly sad memories. 

When Joe was little, mom took him to the barber without telling me and brought him home with his beautiful golden curls all gone. She didn't save me a lock as a keepsake, and it broke my heart. 

When Gracie was a baby, her father took her on his weekend visit and had her hair cut short. All her beautiful golden curls were gone too. I just cried. My husband told me not to let my ex see me cry. Nobody cared how I felt. Now what makes me cry all of the time is how my son rejects me because of a bad DNA company 

All I can do is pray and it's so difficult. I need my prayer partners to help.

Keeps me awake

a lot od things keep me awake: physical pain, anxiety, depression and unresolved heartbreak. tonight it was anguish over something that happened to me in 1970. it was a confusing time, and someone I thought was a friend, sneaked into my room at night and raped me. I was so confused, it wrecked my life. It actually took me 30 years to even clearly understand it was not my fault. I was asleep and thought I was alone. when I woke up it was too late. I was only 15, so under the age of consent and he was 18. I had clearly told him no earlier in the evening. It is horrible that anyone does such things. I was confused and manipulated for some time afterwards and I ended up leaving my boyfriend because I couldn't tell hím what happened, and I felt I wasn't good wnough for him anymore. I felt that way for many years. Nobody had a right to do that to me

Personal integrity

personal integrity is a complicated thing. I demand it of myself, and find the lack of itin others to be very disapointing. I understand that people often tend to mirror what they learned from the people that raised them, and from a young age trusted dishonest rolemodels. This leaves one struggling to rise above the false facade or failing to bother. I recall as I was only 4 years old, during one of my father's attacks, he hwld a knife to my throat and told me I had better say that I loved what he was doing to mw or he would cut my throat from ear to ear. I told him "you're going to have to kill me then, because you can't make me lie.". He laughed at me. I resisted being forced to betray myself, and he stopped thrwatening me... that time. there were plenty of other threats, but not to try to force me to lie. People lie for lots of reasons, but none of them are excuses. If we fail to honor the truth, we dishonor ourselves and others. I qas so badly bullied when my son was born, my mind escaped into depression and chaos. It took me 42 years to free myself from that prison, and I refuse to be pushed back into darkness ever again.

Your "foster mother"

she was your grandmother. She lied to you every day unto her grave. Did she love you? Only on her terms. She kidnapped you at birth She punished me forever. She rewarded my siblings for doing mw harm . She stole mt property at will. She told me my parakeets died ,but I saw them with a flock of sparrows for aeveral years. I wasn't allowed to have anything I loved Paul and George loved me back . They would sit on mt finger and learned many whistles and some words. She did her best to make sure nobody loved me . She did not tell me when you were having your appendix out she never told me when you were hurt . Selfish love. When I drove her back from Florida she rushed you away to keep me from talking with you knowing the cancer was killing her she clung to her lies. She actually let me ride along for your first day of school but when I moved out; she told me "you're not taking Joey with you* I didn't know how she knew I wanted to, but all I could say was "I don't know how I'm going to support myself yet" I had been thrown out because I left before dear old dad could start hitting me again . A good foster mother would never kidnap a baby a good foster mother would provide safety to all of. her charges . a good foster mother would obey the law! Shw said she was asked to go with a man she was in love with to Europe . She said she couldn't rake you away from your father, that was true, she had no legal right to you . I could go on and on but you don't want to hear me..

Sorrow

I am so hurt and angry today.I just don't know what to do. I feel like I don't even matter. public humiliation at the hands of a stranger wouldn't be so bad,but having my own son pretend his grandmother was his birth-mother! He could have just punched me in the stomach. I just feel sick.

Birth of my son

many times I have thought about the circumstances of my son's birth. I have remembered the fear, the pain and confusion. I have been angry for the dangerous conditions of giving birth on the the basement floor. of never being seen by a doctor.of being more of a slave than a daughter. But one thing, something terrible I have tried to avoid thinking about was the danger to my baby. Not thinking only was he exposed to germs, but with no medical supervision, he could have been injured or killed. Not just at the moment of his birth, but also when my father placed him, wrapped in a brown bath towel, into a cardboard box and transported to the trunk of the car. He was in the box inside of the trunk until after we arrived at the house on Henderson Ave. He certainly could have died. I can never forgive that horrible treatment.