A small child is dead and nobody is found guilty of her murder,
a good priest is slandered and caused to be out of a job......
Lies and murder are a kin.
All of it is too horrible. And too familiar. I constantly struggle with the lies my mother told, as well as the abuse my father imposed, and to see so many others cruely subjected to torments every day is a terrible thing.
If only; Truth were the norm, Laws were just, people were kind, promises kept, dignity honored.
I am certainly going to find these things in God's kingdom, eventually. But why do we wait to make these things a part of us every day, every hour, every minute?
The definition of foolishness.
I have been dreaming of babies again, as so many times in my life my babies were taken from me, one way or another, waking from the dreams takes the babies away again. It's very hard.
People wonder why my tv is on all of the time. I need the distractions.
My mind gets stuck in sorrow and dread.
I want a better life, but do not know how to have one.
I want to help others, but have to struggle to help myself. It is easier to help other people.
My youngest sister called today, as she often does, and she lifts my spirits. I am alone too much, and stuck in this rut..... or is it a fox hole for the wars?
I am currently working on my exterior... weight loss is a job to tackle.
Body image is a huge part of being a survivor of childhood sexual abuse.
Wanting to be invisible so my father would leave me alone, followed by the shame my mother imposed on me to hide my condition when I was pregnant.
She would daily tell me to wear dark clothes; they make you look thinner. Keep my coat fastened, so nobody will see how fat I am, hold a pillow on my lap when I sit in the living room watching tv with the family......
wear a girdle every day to school. That was horrible. It was so hard to squeeze into and squirm into and would make me so worn out and sweaty from the struggle. I didn't know I was pregnant, just that I was supposed to be ashamed of my fat belly.
The lesson of being ashamed of my shape never left me. If I can't find very concealing clothing to wear, I do not go outside. Most of my clothes are dark.
Finding out that my father was turned off by fat women was a wonderful revelation to me, if I was even ten pounds overweight, he would stay away from me. He could say some hurtful and cutting remarks about my looks, but it was better than being violently violated. I noticed that most men in the general public leave me alone when I'm fat too, which makes it all that much harder to go into dieting, I want to be left alone. I do want to feel better and be healthier. I have to pray that I can have both; safety and slimness.
Keeping up the fight.
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