anguish

it seems to be eternal anguish.

so, two hours of sleep and then mental anguish. Not a new thing, it happens on a regular basis.

Yes, there is a pill for that, but it does harm of it's own, on top of the anguish. So; no thanks.

When I try to think of good memories, they are always out of reach, far beneath the horrible memories, swirling through my head like black ink on oil and water.

I need peace inside, and it flees from me. I sometimes wonder what peace is.

What my father did to me. What young men did to me. What random strangers did to me. What my first husband did to my children. What my second husband did to me. Who the hell told them it was ok to be horrible beasts?

I never deserved it. Nobody ever deserves it. No baby, girl, boy, child or woman ever deserves it. How can brutality and crime like this run rampant and destroy our lives?

Does it ruin their sleep? I have heard them snoring.

Do they have no souls? I see no evidence.

Their eventual time in purgatory or eternal time in hell is not ever going to restore my life to what it could have been.

I drive home from shopping and feel like I need to cry. There is no crying while driving. I lug my bags into the house and I feel like crying. There is no crying while my dog needs her treat. I put everything away, and just drop onto the couch. Anguish doesn't evaporate in front of the tv.

Throwing a squeeky toy for my dog doesn't eradicate the pain. She loves the squeeky.

I fix my diet meal, and I am only filled with anguish. I can't have icecream. It used to help me for a few minutes. The fat and the inflamation don't help me.

I drop a few pounds, and when I look in my mirror, I see my mother's face. She betrayed me. I don't want her in my mirror. Anguish sends me to eat something.

Physical pain coupled with anguish sends me to bed. Sleep escapes me. Anguish gives the demons wings.

I need to find a way to clip their wings. God help me.

D.I.D.

I know a lot of what is written about Dissociative Identity Disorder [multiple personalities] seems extreme.

In my own experience, there have been compartmented experiences, with the blackouts being either partial or complete.

Sometimes I know nothing of what is happening, in extreme crisis, as my more powerful self takes over, and

something akin to peeking through a keyhole to see what I am doing/saying... as I can only see a tiny bit, and at other times words just pop out of my mouth that I can not control and never thought of.

it has never been like the movies; the 3 faces of Eve for example, and my worst persona

are completely erased since I stopped being a heavy drinker.

I know, a lot of people behave differently when plastered, but that is not what used to happen to me, it was more like being completely out of body, and things I would never do or say occur.

Sobriety is a wonderful empowering thing.

I highly recommend it.

Maybe you have some "missing time" or blackouts in your past and wonder if there is something wrong.

This could be D.I.D.

I saw a photo of myself wearing clothing I have no memory of owning....... and people have told me that I did something I have no memory of.

This has been disturbing, and nobody accepts my factual condition.

Having been badly abused for most of my childhood and having had a series of bad relationships as an adult

is the norm for being one with D.I.D.

I cannot tell how many times my father banged my head into a wall, or the floor when raping me.

I was strangled, and he also used chloroform on me. That was the worst because I would come out of it groggy and confused

with loss of memory for a long time.

Migraines can also be part of the problem, as the really bad stress of trauma can cause blinding headaches.

I know that many therapists don't even acknowledge this situation, so I had to do most of my own work repairing my condition.

I am glad to say; I have recovered most of my memories, and have allowed myself to take a long hard look at my personal history.

I was never sure it could be done, but I have not had any blackout episodes for a few years now.

If you have this condition, keep a journal of what happens, and go back and read what you have written from time to time.

You can improve. You can also be proud of yourself for surviving abuse.

Not everyone does.

God bless

life ponderings

I nearly lost my sight in my left eye back in high school, it went from 20/40 to 20/200

in a couple of days. I was bumping into trees and falling off curbs, and close friends thought

I was snubbing them but I just couldn't tell who they were.

Fortunately, my grandfather Auldridge took me to an opthamologist [my parents didn't care]

and we were able to reverse the infection that was damaging my optic nerve.

That was pretty frightening, I am glad my art teacher, Mr. Fowle, insisted I get someone to help me. I might not have thought of asking my granddad.