anguish

it seems to be eternal anguish.

so, two hours of sleep and then mental anguish. Not a new thing, it happens on a regular basis.

Yes, there is a pill for that, but it does harm of it's own, on top of the anguish. So; no thanks.

When I try to think of good memories, they are always out of reach, far beneath the horrible memories, swirling through my head like black ink on oil and water.

I need peace inside, and it flees from me. I sometimes wonder what peace is.

What my father did to me. What young men did to me. What random strangers did to me. What my first husband did to my children. What my second husband did to me. Who the hell told them it was ok to be horrible beasts?

I never deserved it. Nobody ever deserves it. No baby, girl, boy, child or woman ever deserves it. How can brutality and crime like this run rampant and destroy our lives?

Does it ruin their sleep? I have heard them snoring.

Do they have no souls? I see no evidence.

Their eventual time in purgatory or eternal time in hell is not ever going to restore my life to what it could have been.

I drive home from shopping and feel like I need to cry. There is no crying while driving. I lug my bags into the house and I feel like crying. There is no crying while my dog needs her treat. I put everything away, and just drop onto the couch. Anguish doesn't evaporate in front of the tv.

Throwing a squeeky toy for my dog doesn't eradicate the pain. She loves the squeeky.

I fix my diet meal, and I am only filled with anguish. I can't have icecream. It used to help me for a few minutes. The fat and the inflamation don't help me.

I drop a few pounds, and when I look in my mirror, I see my mother's face. She betrayed me. I don't want her in my mirror. Anguish sends me to eat something.

Physical pain coupled with anguish sends me to bed. Sleep escapes me. Anguish gives the demons wings.

I need to find a way to clip their wings. God help me.