rough day all around

I found out today that our group therapy is losing not just one intern, but also the therapy facilitator..... and it's like saying good bye to friends, except it's basically forever.
I understand that the rules are made to protect everyone, so caregivers don't suffer burn out and clients don't get too dependant, but it is still hard to deal with. We have been very blessed with good people in this group, and it is the only group I have ever been in where I am actually asked how I feel about the leaders leaving.... it's hard, I really do care about these wonderful women.

I had a very good therapist when I was in Maryland, and fortunately can still contact her from time to time, but not on the same basis as before I moved away.

This whole week is about losses, with the anniversary of my youngest daughter's death coming on july 4th, and not hearing from my son while he is on vacation, and I've been starving with no help coming before friday.

I hope and pray that my life can get more stablized, but so far it's been one doggone thing after another.

My oldest daughter, who I was just bragging about earlier as to how she was doing so much better about not 'drunk dialing' me and making me uncomfortable on the phone...... messed up her record and drunk dialed me tonight and it started to degenerate into her telling me that I'm 'failing as a mother' because I was getting tired of the way she was just repeating herself over and over about the dude-du-jour....... [how do we say that in espanaole?]. I really want her to understand that she can only expect to end up with a stable relationship if she stops bed-hopping and actually gets to know a guy, introduce him to all of her friends, etc., but she never hears me sober or drunk.

Yeah, a real winner of a day.

something I needed to hear

although I have certainly heard it before, it is timely for me to hear this today;

If God seems slow in responding, it is because He is preparing a better gift. He will not deny us. God witholds what you are not yet ready for. He wants you to have a lively desire for His greatest gifts. All of which is to say, pray always and do not lose heart.

-- St. Augustine

How many hours of the night do I waste away, wanting to have things work more in the timing that would better suit me?
I would have wanted, and still want, to have had the oportunity to raise my son myself, rather than have him stolen from me.
Be he is my son now.
How much would I rather be able to spend time with him now, and it is only in the future some day that I will see him?

All of the time, day and night, I keep wanting things to go my way.
God forgive me, for not waiting for your provident timing, and your best will for my life.
It is hard to sit and wait.
Patience has never been my favorite lesson. I never want to have to learn it, I know it will take me all of my life.

Taking a deep breath, trying to find some peace with what I have.

my departed daughter

as July 4th approaches, I pray a novena for Grace Noel's repose every year.
I miss her all of the time, and hope and pray for eternal reunion.

Oh Lord, hear my prayer. And let my cry come to you.
Let us pray:
God, the Creator and Redeemer of all the faithful, grant to the souls of your servant and handmaid; Grace Noel, the remission of all her sins, that through our sincere prayers she may obtain the pardon she has always desired. Through Christ our Lord. Amen.


SATURDAY
Lord God, by the Precious Blood which came forth from the sacred side of Your divine Son, Jesus, in the presence and to the great sorrow of His holy Mother, deliver the souls in Purgatory, especially Grace Noel and those souls most devoted to this noble Lady, that they may come quickly into Your glory, to praise You with her forever. Amen.
Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on Earth as it is in Heaven. Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those that trespass against us, and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. Amen.

Hail Mary full of grace, the Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou amongst women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of death. Amen.
Eternal rest grant unto Grace Noel, 0 Lord. And let perpetual light shine upon her. May she rest in peace. Amen.

May her soul and the souls of all the faithful departed, through the mercy of God, rest in peace


Grace Noel born; January 11, 1982, departed July 4, 1997

Keep your children close.
God bless

tribulations

there are so many good people with amazingly bad troubles these days;
blackmail, floods, tornadoes, poverty, confusion, political upheaval.....
thank God I know that, no matter what, I shall not falter in faith.
I pray for those being tested, and know how horrible the darkest days can be.
Parents having missing or murdered children
Priests being maligned without proof
gossip mongers
property damage due to catastrophy
physical ailments
abandonment

the list of terrible dreadful trials of tribulation go on and on.
is it any wonder we cry out to the Lord?

Mercy

a rough day

some days are more difficult than others. I have spent a large part of the day wishing I had a 'do-over' so I would not have missed so many years of being mother to my son. I know, we get one chance, but I have had so very much taken away from me. it makes me so sad, and I always feel an emptiness from it.

it's difficult to even put into words how great a loss, and how unfair the people were who stole from me, as well as from my son and his sisters.
there is no replacement for lost time.

silly thoughts I shared with my son in a short email tonight

I was pondering earlier how all 3 of my girls have their birthdays on the eleventh of the month, just like me, and that your birthday is different, but it occured to me; you were conceived eleven weeks before I finished being eleven years old!

*********************************************************
He was born before I had regular periods.
I was so regular later on, my babies all had the same day of the month to be born.

tough times

some days are worse than others, usually the worst is night time.
I get very depressed and struggle to sleep, and doing household chores
is an uphill battle.

I still have not been able to get some papers printed out for requesting files needed to change the 'mother's name' portion of my son's birth certificate, all I need to start is access to a printer.

lost time, making up for lost time

there are 2 kinds of lost time, one where you can't remember, and the other where you just can't turn back the clock.

I really want to have what I lost, and am trying to put together enough replacement items to make it better. I am planning to get a scrap book and make a special memory book about my son, and it won't be easy. I spent a lot of time "babysitting" him as my mother raised him as her boy, but I am at a loss for any of the written notes about when he first walked, spoke, and other firsts. I don't have dates for any of it, I was never allowed to think of him as mine.

I do have his newborn photo, and will make copies so it will be safe.
I have some photos from his pre-school and school age years, but they are sparse, and my mother did not put dates on most of them.

I have his baby shoes, and his Dennis the Menace doll, I am making new clothes for the doll.

Bits and pieces.

I need a future with him in it.