well, I had a wonderful time at Mass with Gerry. She and her husband John dropped me off, then I went about doing chores and fixing dinner.
Ann came over at 5 pm and we ate ham, pinapple, sweet potato, salad, scallopped potatoes and some wine.
it was a nice dinner, and then Ann went back home.
After lounging about and putting away left overs and enjoying tv, I finally went online to facebook, and the first thing I see is a post by my youngest sister memorializing our dad, as he died this day in 1993. several of her friends posted, as did one of my brothers, all saying what a fine man he was!
It was like a poke in the eye with a flaming poker.
He was anything but a fine guy. He did manage to be jovial with most outsiders, but there is no excuse for being a rapist, child molster, and murderer, as well as a wife beater. If he was fine I must be a saint, maybe even with a capital S!!!
I had to get away from facebook before saying what I'm feeling.
my sister and brother can miss him if they want to, but I celebrate his absence, literally. When he was gone 4 years, I went to work at Medieval Times and had myself knighted [Lady Ginny Auldridge].
Surviving him is a real accomplishment. I don't know how the denial routine works, but it seems too popular to me.
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
how to minimalize a woman
Yes, the title of this is sarcastic. The last thing most people need is lessons on how to minimalize someone. It gets done automatically, without a second thought. There's the main problem; lack of second thoughts.
The lovely United States Government has all kinds of ways to minimalize us, too numerous to count, but I will mention a few anyway;
Dismally tiny incomes for disabled women. You know, I nearly had a minute to rejoice over the 3% increase they so genererously dished out this year, raising my income to a good $703 per month......... but before the minute of rejoicing was over, my food stamps got reduced to compensate. And you know they never ever actually give me the amount they say they will, I get cheated a few dollars worth every month. So, here I go begging at donation pantries again IF I am able to get to one.
ok, what else...... oh yeah, the DMV, particularly the one in Montgomery County Maryland, was sweet enough to fine me $150 back in 2006 for being late returning tags on my car when it was junked after being vandalized... which I could not pay, so, even though they graciously absorbed all "stimulus checks" I was eligible for, they now think I need to pay them over $2,000 dollars [yes, two thousand] for late fees.
They very courtiously sent me a letter telling me there is no appeal.
I was supposed to get a copy of the police report showing my car was vandalized, but it would cost me $10 to get the report, and I can rarely afford the postage stamp. I sent them all of the proof way back when it first occurred, pleading for a waiver of fines, and they say they never got it.
Ofcourse.
EVERY time any mail must be sent to any government agency/entity; ALWAYS make them sign a receipt for delivery of the letter! ALWAYS!!! I'm not kidding. They all lie if you don't.
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ that's all they see.
O.K., so, I'm living in this tiny apartment, thank God for a roof over my head, and there is no room for my craft projects and art projects, so my living and dinning rooms look like a work room/studio. I can't possibly ever make anything if I keep every object in my closet, because it is impossible to find. It is also too painful moving stuff around.
So, my youngest sister, God bless her, has taken on this idea of buying a cheap house and renting it to me! How exciting. I can plan on growing some vegetables....... more food is a good thing, no GMOs is even better. Organic! YES!!!
I can also plan on a spare room to use for crafts/art projects, and maybe keep my living space looking like it is intended to look!!!
We hope that I will be able to eventually save up for a car........ but then; I'm going to have to give the DMV to God, because He knows where they can go with their stupid fees and fines.
Financial marinalization is dreadful.
Emotional marginalization is worse.
Getting visits from my daughter and grandson a good 3 or 4 times per year is absurd. But to be fair, she is being marginalized too, even if she fails to recognize it.
Visiting and calling people that love you and need to have some love back is not such a chore, really. It can open up your life to new possibilities, like joy and hope and caring.
I was enjoying the program of the Ellen Degeneres show, and she always does kind and thoughtful things for people in need. But do we need to have fame and fotrune to give? No, we can give small stuff; like the affore mentioned phone call.........
I nag. but my relatives know nothing of this blog, so it is just another venting rant over here.
I have some amazing friends here; one keeps giving me yarn. I love to crochet.
Another gives me rides to church with her family. Another picks me up every month for our Rosary meetings........ and a neighbor takes me shopping, and we treat each other to lunch [taking turns paying] every first week of the month.
If I move to the house I will be viewing soon, I might be able to go to a movie sometimes!!!!!!
the point; disabled, women and men, people who need help from others, spend a lot of their days home alone, with nobody visiting, nobody phoning and no joy.
if you have some joy, share it. You will not be sorry.
oh yeah, my sister is trying to teach me to wish big, so here is what I'm looking for in my life;
a decent house with a yard.
I want to be able to sit out in my yard at night and look at the stars without being affraid of being attacked.
I want hand rails in my bathroom
I actually NEED a walk in tub, but handrails is half way there
I want to plant the veggies and herbs, herbs so I can TASTE my food!
[veggies so I can eat every day]
I want my family to visit. I miss my nearby family, but not nearly as much as I miss my other children [adults]. I have not seen my son since 1994.
My other daughter calls me 3 or 4 times a day, but I have not seen her since 2008.
I want a van so I can visit my family, and drive other ladies to church and shopping. I want to be able to make enough crafts to generate some extra cash....... and I want the government to kiss my ass for telling me I can only earn $65 per month before they take away 50% of every dollar over that amount BEFORE taxes. Sorry bastards.
No, I won't appologize for using bad words about them, they deserve it.
oh yeah, thank God for the Lion's club, I got new glasses today! the first upgrade in my vision since september 2000
The lovely United States Government has all kinds of ways to minimalize us, too numerous to count, but I will mention a few anyway;
Dismally tiny incomes for disabled women. You know, I nearly had a minute to rejoice over the 3% increase they so genererously dished out this year, raising my income to a good $703 per month......... but before the minute of rejoicing was over, my food stamps got reduced to compensate. And you know they never ever actually give me the amount they say they will, I get cheated a few dollars worth every month. So, here I go begging at donation pantries again IF I am able to get to one.
ok, what else...... oh yeah, the DMV, particularly the one in Montgomery County Maryland, was sweet enough to fine me $150 back in 2006 for being late returning tags on my car when it was junked after being vandalized... which I could not pay, so, even though they graciously absorbed all "stimulus checks" I was eligible for, they now think I need to pay them over $2,000 dollars [yes, two thousand] for late fees.
They very courtiously sent me a letter telling me there is no appeal.
I was supposed to get a copy of the police report showing my car was vandalized, but it would cost me $10 to get the report, and I can rarely afford the postage stamp. I sent them all of the proof way back when it first occurred, pleading for a waiver of fines, and they say they never got it.
Ofcourse.
EVERY time any mail must be sent to any government agency/entity; ALWAYS make them sign a receipt for delivery of the letter! ALWAYS!!! I'm not kidding. They all lie if you don't.
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ that's all they see.
O.K., so, I'm living in this tiny apartment, thank God for a roof over my head, and there is no room for my craft projects and art projects, so my living and dinning rooms look like a work room/studio. I can't possibly ever make anything if I keep every object in my closet, because it is impossible to find. It is also too painful moving stuff around.
So, my youngest sister, God bless her, has taken on this idea of buying a cheap house and renting it to me! How exciting. I can plan on growing some vegetables....... more food is a good thing, no GMOs is even better. Organic! YES!!!
I can also plan on a spare room to use for crafts/art projects, and maybe keep my living space looking like it is intended to look!!!
We hope that I will be able to eventually save up for a car........ but then; I'm going to have to give the DMV to God, because He knows where they can go with their stupid fees and fines.
Financial marinalization is dreadful.
Emotional marginalization is worse.
Getting visits from my daughter and grandson a good 3 or 4 times per year is absurd. But to be fair, she is being marginalized too, even if she fails to recognize it.
Visiting and calling people that love you and need to have some love back is not such a chore, really. It can open up your life to new possibilities, like joy and hope and caring.
I was enjoying the program of the Ellen Degeneres show, and she always does kind and thoughtful things for people in need. But do we need to have fame and fotrune to give? No, we can give small stuff; like the affore mentioned phone call.........
I nag. but my relatives know nothing of this blog, so it is just another venting rant over here.
I have some amazing friends here; one keeps giving me yarn. I love to crochet.
Another gives me rides to church with her family. Another picks me up every month for our Rosary meetings........ and a neighbor takes me shopping, and we treat each other to lunch [taking turns paying] every first week of the month.
If I move to the house I will be viewing soon, I might be able to go to a movie sometimes!!!!!!
the point; disabled, women and men, people who need help from others, spend a lot of their days home alone, with nobody visiting, nobody phoning and no joy.
if you have some joy, share it. You will not be sorry.
oh yeah, my sister is trying to teach me to wish big, so here is what I'm looking for in my life;
a decent house with a yard.
I want to be able to sit out in my yard at night and look at the stars without being affraid of being attacked.
I want hand rails in my bathroom
I actually NEED a walk in tub, but handrails is half way there
I want to plant the veggies and herbs, herbs so I can TASTE my food!
[veggies so I can eat every day]
I want my family to visit. I miss my nearby family, but not nearly as much as I miss my other children [adults]. I have not seen my son since 1994.
My other daughter calls me 3 or 4 times a day, but I have not seen her since 2008.
I want a van so I can visit my family, and drive other ladies to church and shopping. I want to be able to make enough crafts to generate some extra cash....... and I want the government to kiss my ass for telling me I can only earn $65 per month before they take away 50% of every dollar over that amount BEFORE taxes. Sorry bastards.
No, I won't appologize for using bad words about them, they deserve it.
oh yeah, thank God for the Lion's club, I got new glasses today! the first upgrade in my vision since september 2000
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
a letter to my daughter
this is what I just sent to my daughter, with names replaced with initials;
G.I.,
I want you to carefully think about this email, and I want K. to read it and do the same.
I have been losing sleep over not being able to spend time with you all, and I've been put last on the list of significance the entire time I have lived here in Indiana.
C.V. has birthdays I'm not included on, and Christmas where I can just wait until February and this is not what should be happening.
With all of the dumb-ass things my parents did, and all of the actually cruel and evil things I was subjected to, they did one thing right; they made sure all of us got to spend time on a regular basis with our grandparents. I have always known my grandparents loved me, and even though my mother said things to the contrary, the evidence of my grandparents role in my life is clear, they loved me.
What will C.V. think when he is grown? Will he think his parents did everything to make sure all of his needs were met; including all of the people in his life that want to be in his life? Or will he look with a critical eye on his parents and say they failed to give him something special that he can never have replaced?
R. is very fortunate to be in a position where you need him to house you all, he gets to see C.V. every day, and C.V. will always have a strong bond of love with him.
This is the entire reason I live in Indiana. To be a living breathing grandmother, not a face on the computer or a disembodied voice on the phone.
You do have choices. Toss some coins in a jar and put it aside for gas to come visit.
Mark a day on your calendar every month to visit me, and arrange to make sure it happens.
It is only difficult if you make it difficult. I should never have to beg, or explain that I am here to be able to be in your lives. It should be obvious. I left behind all of my friends and what family remains in the D.C. area to be with you. I also gave up my ability to go anywhere for personal reasons, like chores of shopping, and for any entertainment...... and have to rely entirely on people from church to provide my rides to doctors and everything.
I know you think I should have moved closer, but if I had, how much more would I have been dependant on you for? I never wanted to rely on you for grocery trips or doctor visits or a ride to church etc., only for family visits. I made the only logical choice there was for moving in indiana, I am close enough, but not too close. I don't nag you or call and interfere or drop in uninvited.
in any event; I want to be treated with respect. I want C.V. to grow up with fun memories of time spent with me, and I want him to know for certain that we all put every effort into making that happen. He should have no regrets and nobody to blame.
If you really think about it, you have to want that too.
I love you all,
Mom
G.I.,
I want you to carefully think about this email, and I want K. to read it and do the same.
I have been losing sleep over not being able to spend time with you all, and I've been put last on the list of significance the entire time I have lived here in Indiana.
C.V. has birthdays I'm not included on, and Christmas where I can just wait until February and this is not what should be happening.
With all of the dumb-ass things my parents did, and all of the actually cruel and evil things I was subjected to, they did one thing right; they made sure all of us got to spend time on a regular basis with our grandparents. I have always known my grandparents loved me, and even though my mother said things to the contrary, the evidence of my grandparents role in my life is clear, they loved me.
What will C.V. think when he is grown? Will he think his parents did everything to make sure all of his needs were met; including all of the people in his life that want to be in his life? Or will he look with a critical eye on his parents and say they failed to give him something special that he can never have replaced?
R. is very fortunate to be in a position where you need him to house you all, he gets to see C.V. every day, and C.V. will always have a strong bond of love with him.
This is the entire reason I live in Indiana. To be a living breathing grandmother, not a face on the computer or a disembodied voice on the phone.
You do have choices. Toss some coins in a jar and put it aside for gas to come visit.
Mark a day on your calendar every month to visit me, and arrange to make sure it happens.
It is only difficult if you make it difficult. I should never have to beg, or explain that I am here to be able to be in your lives. It should be obvious. I left behind all of my friends and what family remains in the D.C. area to be with you. I also gave up my ability to go anywhere for personal reasons, like chores of shopping, and for any entertainment...... and have to rely entirely on people from church to provide my rides to doctors and everything.
I know you think I should have moved closer, but if I had, how much more would I have been dependant on you for? I never wanted to rely on you for grocery trips or doctor visits or a ride to church etc., only for family visits. I made the only logical choice there was for moving in indiana, I am close enough, but not too close. I don't nag you or call and interfere or drop in uninvited.
in any event; I want to be treated with respect. I want C.V. to grow up with fun memories of time spent with me, and I want him to know for certain that we all put every effort into making that happen. He should have no regrets and nobody to blame.
If you really think about it, you have to want that too.
I love you all,
Mom
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
one bright spot
one bright spot in my day makes all the difference.
it has been a real struggle to get through december and the first half of january, with the anniversary of my youngest daughter's birth.
Grace Noel would have turned 30 had she not been murdered in 1997, now she has been dead nearly as long as she was alive. the worst anniversary ever.
my sleep patterns are totally screwed up, and I have been so depressed it is impossible to describe.
just now, however, I saw a picture posted on facebook of a baby with the silliest expression on his face, and the caption; you mean to tell me you don't go anywhere when we play peek a boo?
it brought back the memory of how much fun it was playing peek a boo with my son when he was tiny. He would laugh and laugh, and it was so much fun it always brought tears to my eyes.
the best kind of tears.
like Doctor Who says; Humany-woomany [crying while happy]
I need more laughter, more joy, more things to look forward to.
I need my family and my friends, and my God, how I need my God!
a friend called yesterday to get me thinking about our rosary society tea party project, and I am actually looking forward to it this year. last year nobody contacted me so I just didn't even go.
I am making decorations, and imagining the menu....... and waiting for the first meeting of ladies for plans.
one more bright spot, in the grey sad winter.
it has been a real struggle to get through december and the first half of january, with the anniversary of my youngest daughter's birth.
Grace Noel would have turned 30 had she not been murdered in 1997, now she has been dead nearly as long as she was alive. the worst anniversary ever.
my sleep patterns are totally screwed up, and I have been so depressed it is impossible to describe.
just now, however, I saw a picture posted on facebook of a baby with the silliest expression on his face, and the caption; you mean to tell me you don't go anywhere when we play peek a boo?
it brought back the memory of how much fun it was playing peek a boo with my son when he was tiny. He would laugh and laugh, and it was so much fun it always brought tears to my eyes.
the best kind of tears.
like Doctor Who says; Humany-woomany [crying while happy]
I need more laughter, more joy, more things to look forward to.
I need my family and my friends, and my God, how I need my God!
a friend called yesterday to get me thinking about our rosary society tea party project, and I am actually looking forward to it this year. last year nobody contacted me so I just didn't even go.
I am making decorations, and imagining the menu....... and waiting for the first meeting of ladies for plans.
one more bright spot, in the grey sad winter.
Saturday, January 7, 2012
what passes for wisdom
every day I see platitudes posted online, people advise;
forget about the past, don't think about sad things, just live for now....
etc., etc.
Life is not that simple. As one who struggles daily to get anything done
and is constantly bombarded with painful memories, I have to say;
it is not that simple!
Get a clue.
When someone is tortured throughout childhood, abused and used and disrespected repeatedly by one bastard after the next, how do you just forget about it?
I see a commercial on tv, it reminds me of my son being stolen from me.
A story on the internet, reminds me of having been raped.
over and over again.
Talk about ending bullying........... and I say it does not end in childhood. Subtle emotional bullying, telling me how I should feel, what I should think, how I should react....... but they MEAN well.
Well meaning is often just an excuse for not bothering to think about how someone feels, and just spouting out advice like vitamins and candy bars.... go ahead, this will make you feel better.
What if I'm not supposed to feel better?
Isn't 'feeling better' just another way of saying it was alright for them to do what they did to me?
If I shut up and walk away, maybe somebody somewhere is thinking their abusive actions against their victim is alright, after all, nobody ever complains......... maybe everyone really DOES forget about it and go on acting as though they are ok.
I'm NOT O.K.
I'm somewhat better off than I was, as I never let anyone abuse me for a second now.
I tell them to cut the shit out.
If they don't listen, they are out of my life.
When you are 57 years old and you start calling the shots, making your own choices, and not having to answer to anyone, that's an improvement.
Do I forget?
Not for a minute.
Forgetting would leave me wide open for more abuse.
forget about the past, don't think about sad things, just live for now....
etc., etc.
Life is not that simple. As one who struggles daily to get anything done
and is constantly bombarded with painful memories, I have to say;
it is not that simple!
Get a clue.
When someone is tortured throughout childhood, abused and used and disrespected repeatedly by one bastard after the next, how do you just forget about it?
I see a commercial on tv, it reminds me of my son being stolen from me.
A story on the internet, reminds me of having been raped.
over and over again.
Talk about ending bullying........... and I say it does not end in childhood. Subtle emotional bullying, telling me how I should feel, what I should think, how I should react....... but they MEAN well.
Well meaning is often just an excuse for not bothering to think about how someone feels, and just spouting out advice like vitamins and candy bars.... go ahead, this will make you feel better.
What if I'm not supposed to feel better?
Isn't 'feeling better' just another way of saying it was alright for them to do what they did to me?
If I shut up and walk away, maybe somebody somewhere is thinking their abusive actions against their victim is alright, after all, nobody ever complains......... maybe everyone really DOES forget about it and go on acting as though they are ok.
I'm NOT O.K.
I'm somewhat better off than I was, as I never let anyone abuse me for a second now.
I tell them to cut the shit out.
If they don't listen, they are out of my life.
When you are 57 years old and you start calling the shots, making your own choices, and not having to answer to anyone, that's an improvement.
Do I forget?
Not for a minute.
Forgetting would leave me wide open for more abuse.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)