a letter to my daughter

this is what I just sent to my daughter, with names replaced with initials;

G.I.,
I want you to carefully think about this email, and I want K. to read it and do the same.
I have been losing sleep over not being able to spend time with you all, and I've been put last on the list of significance the entire time I have lived here in Indiana.


C.V. has birthdays I'm not included on, and Christmas where I can just wait until February and this is not what should be happening.

With all of the dumb-ass things my parents did, and all of the actually cruel and evil things I was subjected to, they did one thing right; they made sure all of us got to spend time on a regular basis with our grandparents. I have always known my grandparents loved me, and even though my mother said things to the contrary, the evidence of my grandparents role in my life is clear, they loved me.

What will C.V. think when he is grown? Will he think his parents did everything to make sure all of his needs were met; including all of the people in his life that want to be in his life? Or will he look with a critical eye on his parents and say they failed to give him something special that he can never have replaced?

R. is very fortunate to be in a position where you need him to house you all, he gets to see C.V. every day, and C.V. will always have a strong bond of love with him.
This is the entire reason I live in Indiana. To be a living breathing grandmother, not a face on the computer or a disembodied voice on the phone.

You do have choices. Toss some coins in a jar and put it aside for gas to come visit.
Mark a day on your calendar every month to visit me, and arrange to make sure it happens.
It is only difficult if you make it difficult. I should never have to beg, or explain that I am here to be able to be in your lives. It should be obvious. I left behind all of my friends and what family remains in the D.C. area to be with you. I also gave up my ability to go anywhere for personal reasons, like chores of shopping, and for any entertainment...... and have to rely entirely on people from church to provide my rides to doctors and everything.

I know you think I should have moved closer, but if I had, how much more would I have been dependant on you for? I never wanted to rely on you for grocery trips or doctor visits or a ride to church etc., only for family visits. I made the only logical choice there was for moving in indiana, I am close enough, but not too close. I don't nag you or call and interfere or drop in uninvited.

in any event; I want to be treated with respect. I want C.V. to grow up with fun memories of time spent with me, and I want him to know for certain that we all put every effort into making that happen. He should have no regrets and nobody to blame.

If you really think about it, you have to want that too.

I love you all,
Mom