a letter to my daughter

this is what I just sent to my daughter, with names replaced with initials;

G.I.,
I want you to carefully think about this email, and I want K. to read it and do the same.
I have been losing sleep over not being able to spend time with you all, and I've been put last on the list of significance the entire time I have lived here in Indiana.


C.V. has birthdays I'm not included on, and Christmas where I can just wait until February and this is not what should be happening.

With all of the dumb-ass things my parents did, and all of the actually cruel and evil things I was subjected to, they did one thing right; they made sure all of us got to spend time on a regular basis with our grandparents. I have always known my grandparents loved me, and even though my mother said things to the contrary, the evidence of my grandparents role in my life is clear, they loved me.

What will C.V. think when he is grown? Will he think his parents did everything to make sure all of his needs were met; including all of the people in his life that want to be in his life? Or will he look with a critical eye on his parents and say they failed to give him something special that he can never have replaced?

R. is very fortunate to be in a position where you need him to house you all, he gets to see C.V. every day, and C.V. will always have a strong bond of love with him.
This is the entire reason I live in Indiana. To be a living breathing grandmother, not a face on the computer or a disembodied voice on the phone.

You do have choices. Toss some coins in a jar and put it aside for gas to come visit.
Mark a day on your calendar every month to visit me, and arrange to make sure it happens.
It is only difficult if you make it difficult. I should never have to beg, or explain that I am here to be able to be in your lives. It should be obvious. I left behind all of my friends and what family remains in the D.C. area to be with you. I also gave up my ability to go anywhere for personal reasons, like chores of shopping, and for any entertainment...... and have to rely entirely on people from church to provide my rides to doctors and everything.

I know you think I should have moved closer, but if I had, how much more would I have been dependant on you for? I never wanted to rely on you for grocery trips or doctor visits or a ride to church etc., only for family visits. I made the only logical choice there was for moving in indiana, I am close enough, but not too close. I don't nag you or call and interfere or drop in uninvited.

in any event; I want to be treated with respect. I want C.V. to grow up with fun memories of time spent with me, and I want him to know for certain that we all put every effort into making that happen. He should have no regrets and nobody to blame.

If you really think about it, you have to want that too.

I love you all,
Mom

one bright spot

one bright spot in my day makes all the difference.
it has been a real struggle to get through december and the first half of january, with the anniversary of my youngest daughter's birth.
Grace Noel would have turned 30 had she not been murdered in 1997, now she has been dead nearly as long as she was alive. the worst anniversary ever.

my sleep patterns are totally screwed up, and I have been so depressed it is impossible to describe.

just now, however, I saw a picture posted on facebook of a baby with the silliest expression on his face, and the caption; you mean to tell me you don't go anywhere when we play peek a boo?

it brought back the memory of how much fun it was playing peek a boo with my son when he was tiny. He would laugh and laugh, and it was so much fun it always brought tears to my eyes.
the best kind of tears.
like Doctor Who says; Humany-woomany [crying while happy]

I need more laughter, more joy, more things to look forward to.
I need my family and my friends, and my God, how I need my God!

a friend called yesterday to get me thinking about our rosary society tea party project, and I am actually looking forward to it this year. last year nobody contacted me so I just didn't even go.
I am making decorations, and imagining the menu....... and waiting for the first meeting of ladies for plans.

one more bright spot, in the grey sad winter.

what passes for wisdom

every day I see platitudes posted online, people advise;
forget about the past, don't think about sad things, just live for now....
etc., etc.

Life is not that simple. As one who struggles daily to get anything done
and is constantly bombarded with painful memories, I have to say;
it is not that simple!
Get a clue.
When someone is tortured throughout childhood, abused and used and disrespected repeatedly by one bastard after the next, how do you just forget about it?
I see a commercial on tv, it reminds me of my son being stolen from me.
A story on the internet, reminds me of having been raped.
over and over again.
Talk about ending bullying........... and I say it does not end in childhood. Subtle emotional bullying, telling me how I should feel, what I should think, how I should react....... but they MEAN well.
Well meaning is often just an excuse for not bothering to think about how someone feels, and just spouting out advice like vitamins and candy bars.... go ahead, this will make you feel better.

What if I'm not supposed to feel better?
Isn't 'feeling better' just another way of saying it was alright for them to do what they did to me?
If I shut up and walk away, maybe somebody somewhere is thinking their abusive actions against their victim is alright, after all, nobody ever complains......... maybe everyone really DOES forget about it and go on acting as though they are ok.

I'm NOT O.K.

I'm somewhat better off than I was, as I never let anyone abuse me for a second now.
I tell them to cut the shit out.
If they don't listen, they are out of my life.

When you are 57 years old and you start calling the shots, making your own choices, and not having to answer to anyone, that's an improvement.
Do I forget?
Not for a minute.
Forgetting would leave me wide open for more abuse.