the daily struggle

I strive daily in pursuit of a peaceful mind, a grasp of joy, a normal life. It is always something I view in other people's lives, and never in my own for more than a few moments, only to be interrupted by flashes of past abuse. I can be thinking of a painting to work on, a subject of love and faith, and the flashes intrude and grab my mind and steer me from my goals.

I have heard all of the platitudes that suggest it is all up to me, that I can put the past behind me and go forward unaffected.

HOGWASH!

all of those platitudes, slogans and little drops of so-called "wisdom" are perpetrated by those who have never been where I have been. Never lived my life. Never even seen the pain and turmoil of my being.

You can never look at a victim of something horrible and offer them some pearl of advice if you are not also a victim, struggling with their struggles, battling their exact same demons.

Don't get me wrong, I would never in a million years wish that any of this would have happened to you, nor would I suggest that my siblings should suffer the clarity of memory that I am blessed/cursed with. If anyone can walk away and never remember the pain and anger and humiliation forced on by a soul-less cad, that would truly be a gift from God not to be trifled with.

Still, I want a peaceful mind. I know I am made to suffer in order to be of some use to others who suffer, and if anyone gains an ounce of understanding by reading my blog, it is made a worthy venture. Before I can have peace in my mind, we need to eliminate all child abuse, all sexual abuse, all abuse of women and children, all human traffic, all pornography, all manner of debasement and objectification of persons everywhere in the world. Then, not only can I have peace, but so can we all. If this post makes you uncomfortable, good, you should be. We have a world of work to do.