a copy of my spiritual journey testimony

as I was going through the process of remembering lost memories and struggling with harsh realities, I was also in formation for a retreat our church was giving called Christ Renews His Parish. Below is the final draft of the testimony I gave.
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my name is Ginny Auldridge Lamb, I just moved to Indiana one year ago, the first weekend of August 2008, tornado night. I thought it was appropriate for starting my life over, as the day I was born; october 11, 1954, was in the middle of hurricane hazel.
If I ramble on a bit, it could be because I'm too full of wind.......

My parents had a very rocky and unfortunate marriage. Mom was raised Catholic and dad was divorced, and not a religious man. in fact, he hated the catholic church. In order to please Mom's parents, he allowed me to be baptised as an infant, but he took every oportunity to make sure I could never be a virgin.
He began molesting me as an infant, and escalated to violent rapes when I was 2 years old, until I was 12. He would also attack my little sisters, but when I would try to defend them, he would attack me.
I was never safe. I never slept peacefully at night, as he would sneak into my bed. I would pretend I was asleep, and when he passed out drunk, I would slide out of bed without a noise other than the pounding of my heart from fear.
I would go wake Mom, and she would come and drag him out of my bed.
I have an older half brother, who was the result of an older married man in my Mom's neighborhood who got her drunk and seduced her, even though she was only 18 and in a body cast from her shoulders to her hips. He never admitted he was D.B.'s father, and my Mom had so much shame, she was easily smitten when she met my dad, who was quite handsome and 14 years older than her. She was naive and desparate to keep her parents from having D.B. adopted off to a cousin in the family. After they married, she had 4 more children, starting with me.
Although everyone believes that J.F. is my brother, he is my son, I gave birth to when I was 12 years old.
I had only started to deal with that fact now that J.F. is 42 years old. Nobody in my family had been told about this, so I am spoke to J.F. and together we GOT DNA for absolute proof. The results came back in a few weeks showing he is my son. Because of the fact that my family has, for the most part, failed to be there for me in most of my struggles, I did not share my information with them until the proof was in my hands.

All through my childhood, I had a few strong desires; to be good, and to be loved and to be an artist and I always wanted to have a husband and children.
When I would go to spend the weekend with my grandmother A., she would
sneak me to Catholic Church and say "What your father doesn't know won't hurt us."
She explained the body and blood of Jesus being real in the Holy Eucharist, and I absolutely believed her. We participated in the Eucharist together, although I
never had any formal religious education, because we had to go in secret.

"Whoever eats my flesh and drinks my blood remains in me and I in him. Just as the living Father sent me and I have life because of the Father, so also the one who feeds on me will have life because of me." (John 6:56-57)

I was only allowed to go to other non-Catholic churches if I would get up at 5 a.m. and do all of my chores first, and I went to every church my school friends would invite me to because I loved God.

When I was in 10th grade, an 18 year old boy raped me, and he was the best friend of my boyfriend. I blamed myself for that for over 33 years. I felt so ashamed, I broke up with D.S. rather than let him know what happened. I didn't want him to lose his best friend. D.S. was the love of my life, and although we tried on and off over the following 8 years, I could not be honest with him about this secret.
in 1974 I met a guy who was amusing and good looking, and also troubled and had quite a dark side. We dated, and I got pregnant with my daughter M.J.
She was born 3 months before my 21st birthday. Her father ran off, and it was months before I saw him again. We tried to live together for a while, until his drug abuse and control issues got out of hand and he started to become violent with my baby and with me. I threw him out.
When M.J. was 4 years old, I met a really cute Chinese guy named S.L.
We were both attending the same bible study group, which eventually became a cult. Since I had low self esteem and a lack of boundaries, and was always subservient, S.L. would not listen to me about waiting to get married,
and pressured me into a sexual relationship which made me feel guilty and worthless even more than before. I ended up pregnant with G.I.
The bible study group did all kinds of things to interfere with my relationship with S.L., and he decided to marry me. I got the wedding dress and the brides maids dresses and had all of the invitations ready to mail out when he called me on the phone and said "If you make me marry you, I will divorce you in a year."
That was when I found out the group was forcing him, and he thought I put them up to it. He broke it off, and I was crushed.
Girls from the group came to my apartment and were planning to surprise me with a bridal shower, but when they saw me crying, they told me about the shower, so I made them cancel it.
LOTS more interference came at us from all sides, and we were just getting hurt all of the time. He asked me to live with him, but I was not going to live with him and have no security of marriage, he could change his mind and make us homeless at any time, he had a hot temper.
When I got another place for myself and my 2 girls, it was such a struggle,
but my next door neighbors were really nice and we started going to a baptist church with them. I felt better, because the baptist church had been around longer and might be more stable than what I had just been through. When G.I. was about one year old, another couple at church introduced me to a single guy, and my first impression of him was bad. UNFORTUNATELY I chose to give him a second chance,
and one day he came to my door with all of his property and just moved in.
I told him I didn't want him to move in, and he said "If you want me to go, call the police." I should have, but I was Afraid that no man would ever marry me [like my father used to tell me] so I let him stay. I got pregnant with G.N. shortly thereafter.
We got married 3 months later. I had such a horrible experience with him, controling every detail of our lives, pushing me around, kicking the children, One night he had been in my children's bedroom, as I was sleeping, and I awoke when G.I. started screaming. I tried to go see what was wrong, but he tackled me and threw me on the floor several times, before I finally got past him. I had an injured ankle, but got G.I. and took her downstairs, sitting and scooting one step at a time. The next day he took me to the dr, at his HMO [not my dr], and he was trying to stay while I was examined, so I told him to get out. I told the dr he had beat me up. she suggested calling police, but I was afraid to.
after several more episodes of abuse, I took the girls and left for good. We had to go to a womens shelter, as nobody in my family would take us in...... the marriage lasted 1 year and 3 months. I found out later, his father made a bet with him BEFORE our marriage; if we stayed together longer than one year, his dad would pay for our divorce!
It was like living in a den of vipers to be with his family. They suspected me of being after their money, but if they had said so to my face I would never have married him.
so, after leaving and going to a shelter for abused women and children,
G.N., who was less than a year old, was showing signs of having been abused,
and when the court gave her father visiting rights, she began to beg me not to let him hurt her anymore, one day, when she was 4 years old, as I was getting her ready for the court ordered visit, she said so many horrible details of what he did to her and was crying, just then he showed up to pick her up, so I took her out to his car, and got close to him and gently put my hand on his forehead and said "I bind you in the name of Jesus and command you to never harm her again." He tried to break my arms and started ranting and raving, and jumped in the car and drove away.. 3 1/2 years I fought him in court, and finally, after that final visit; when G.N. was 4, she told her therapist explicit details of how he abused her.
The police finally listened, and he was arrested and the warrent to search his apartment turned up lewd photos and a journal of what he had done as well as what fantasies he planned next. He spent one night in jail. His parents were wealthy and his aunt was a judge.... I did get to have all of his parental rights revoked.
I always prayed a lot, and read my bible daily, but my second husband M.H. considered faith to be foolish, so I continued to be alone in my faith. I loved M.H.,
and his 3 children, but they all treated me badly. I worked for him 70 - 90 hours per week and he always paid me $50 a week. He lied to me about letting me adopt more children eventually, because he knew I wanted more children and he had a vascetomy before his first divorce. My child-bearing years got used up while he was getting everything he wanted. Before our first anniversary, I knew he was cheating on me, so I kept trying to be a better wife, and managed his business and took care of everything. After more than 5 years of adultery, he chose to divorce me, and said it was all my oldest daughter's fault, because she was a difficult teen.
I moved downstairs and slept in my art studio, and kept doing the laundry and bringing him coffee....... until he completely moved in to his girlfriend's house. He made me sign papers agreeing to move out in one year, and he got everything. I got minimum wage jobs, as his girlfriend would not give me a good report when employers called to ask about me. I found out he never paid into Social security for 9 of the 10 years I worked for him, which ruined my SSI disability amount. I try to forgive him, but I still have terrible dreams from losing the home we had and all of our plans.
in 1993 my father died of pneumonia. He had been dead to me for years, so I didn't care. the same day, my toy poodle died. That really tore me up.
I was still living in Emmitsburg Md, near the Mother Seton Shrine, and Saint Joseph's Cathedral. Every day I would walk to the prayer garden and pray for direction, as I did not know what to do. I felt called to move to West Virginia near some friends, and camped out that summer and then moved into a small cottage. I did not know there was no insulation, and even after we put a woodstove in, the toilet froze solid and we had to go to the market or the library to use their facilities.
December 13th 1993, my sister S.A. told me to go to the bus depot, she sent tickets, Mom was in the hospital in a coma. When we nearly reached Myrtle Beach, S.C., I closed my eyes for a second, and saw my Mom's face very close up, and heard her saying "It's alright."
I knew she had died. S.A. met us at the depot and was trying to tell me mom passed, but I told her that I had seen Mom and I knew. That apparition was within minutes of her last breath. She was 61.
At Mom's funeral, for the first time in my life, I cried in public.
I didn't stop crying for months, sometimes days on end, sometimes less.
I had been in therapy for depression and childhood sexual abuse, as well as
spousal desertion. My doctor gave me extra pills, and kept increasing the dose.

with a number of misfortunes, I was relieved when J.F. told me my daughters and I could live in Mom's mobile home, because he was moving away. I didn't ask many questions,
and we packed what we could take and left our tiny cottage in West Virginia and moved near Myrtle Beach S.C.
the mobile home was in sorry shape, the floor was breaking through in a number of places, and there was no way to mow the 4 acres of hip high grass. I hired someone in my neighborhood, be he ran off after finding snakes. Snakes got into our home so we ran off too.
We stayed here and there, and started going to baptist church with neighbors.
Jobs were seasonal and there was no work from January 1st until some time in May .
Once a fellow from the baptist church offered to give me work for a day detailing cars with him. I did very good work, and he was happy to see how eager I was to do a good job.
He drove me home and paid me for the day, and as we were talking in the driveway,
a neighbor man came by and asked if he could use my phone for an urgent family matter. I brought the phone outdoors for him. I never invited men into my home.
When the man I worked with saw this, he said "You're a good woman Ms Ginny".
I chuckled a bit, as it occured to me he must have thought otherwise before that.

Now this baptist church my girls and I had been members of for a few years
seemed to not wish to do anything helpful if things were really tough, we were homeless
for a time, and I was always looking for work. In March of 1997 I got a job, 7 days a week, at the Medievel Times dinner theater in Myrtle Beach, and G.I. also got a job there,
as did several of our young neighbors. I was the only one with a van, so we always traveled to work together. After school was out for the summer, G.N. got a job at McDonald's
right next to our work, so we were all working and traveling together, and managing ok.
it was minimum wage, but it was all there was. In July of 1997, my old friend C.P. from
maryland invited me to her wedding in Virginia, and they were getting married on July 4th...
so it was a surprise when I was given the day off. I went by greyhound bus as my tags were expired in my van. G.I. and G.N. both planned to attend the fireworks together at Broadway on the beach with all of their friends.
I spent one night away, and after the wedding, I drove the new couple's car while they rode in the back, as they planned their honeymoon in Myrtle Beach. We got in to their hotel on the beach around 10:00 july 5th, and I phoned our neighbors to come and get me.
P.E., who had my van, was drunk so he sent someone else to get me. We made a surprise stop at his parents house, and he asked me to come inside. when I got inside, I saw the room was full of people, and my pastor was there, and he started introducing me to the coronor. They told me G.N. my 15 year old girl, had been hit by a car..... and the rest of it was like a dream, one I couldn't wake up from. She was dead, they already did an autopsy on her, and nobody would take me to sit with her. I lost the use of my legs and ended up sobbing on the floor.
G.I. had done all of the phoning of relatives, and friends, and they all agreed not to tell me while I was in Virginia, which was the right thing to do. My oldest girl M.J. was there from D.C., and my sisters and my brother D.B. were coming. My best friend C.F. came for the funeral, but had to go right away afterwards. I can't remember a lot of it, I was hardly able to walk without holding on to something for days. My family never made me feel like I could count on them, but my sisters did make all of the memorial and cremation arrangements.
My therapist and doctor greatly increased my antidepressant dosage, and I spent time at my uncle's house.
exactly one month after G.N. was killed, someone broke into my mobile home and killed my cocker spaniel, putting her in the tub and cutting her stomach open.
Some other people came a few days later and started stealing my furniture and ransacking my home.
I got my uncle to agree to let me stay with him and put the rest of my things in storage.
G.N. had become a Christian just 3 months before she died, and I knew she would be with the Lord, as I am determined to be one day.

"Whoever eats my flesh and drinks my blood has eternal life, and I will raise him on the last day. For my flesh is true food, and my blood is true drink." (John 6:54-55)


one year later, at walmart with my uncle, I ran into a couple of ladies I knew from church,
and they asked me if losing my daughter had made me lose my faith.
I looked them in the eyes and told them point blank;
my faith is fine, nobody has offered to drive me to church and I am too medicated to drive.
They never contacted me, nor did anyone else from that church.

My uncle decided to kick me out, although I had paid him $200 dollars a month and was cooking and cleaning for him. Some friends took me to West Virginia were I was house sitting 6 miles from town up a big mountain without a car. there was a tiny 'baptist'
splinter group in walking distance, so I went one wednesday night when I saw cars arriving. the pastor there was teaching a lesson on; Mary never knew Jesus was the Lord
I asked where he heard that from, and he said he had a book at home.
I said [in front of the whole group] Mary was the first to know, when the angel came to her and she agreed to it. He gave me a look like I was going to hell, so I left.

John 6 51. I am the living bread which came down from heaven. (6-52) If any man eat of this bread, he shall live for ever: and the bread that I will give is my flesh, for the life of the world.
52.
(6-53) The Jews therefore strove among themselves, saying: How can this man give us his flesh to eat?
53.
(6-54) Then Jesus said to them: Amen, amen, I say unto you: except you eat the flesh of the Son of man and drink his blood, you shall not have life in you.
I could see that group did NOT have the life of Christ in it.

When I got home, I picked up the yellow pages and found Saint John Neuman church in Marlinton,
and Fr. George sent Sr. Pat to start me in RCIA.

Matthew 7
7.
Ask, and it shall be given you: seek, and you shall find: knock, and it shall be opened to you.
8.
For every one that asketh, receiveth: and he that seeketh, findeth: and to him that knocketh, it shall be opened.

FINALLY! teachings that I could believe fully! I loved going to that church, and when it was nearly Easter Season, my time was coming to a close for house sitting, and I had suffered
a bad depression as I had no place to go, and then my uncle said he was sorry he sent me away, and asked me to come back! a friend in Maryland rented a uhaul truck for me over the phone, and I packed up and went. Sr. Pat and Fr. George sent a good reccomendation for me to Saint James in Conway, S.C., so I was set up with a sponsor and completed my confirmation at Easter Vigil 1999. My first Holy Communion after my first confession........ was entirely different from anything I had ever felt before. The Catholic church is my home, my family, my acceptance without judgement....... all of the things I never had before, and also, my real hope to be reunited with my dear daughter in heaven.

When I first began to participate in the Holy Eucharist, I was overwhelmed by how much more intense an experience it was for me than it had ever been when I participated in Communion at Baptist or other churches. It was like a veil was lifted from my eyes,
as it was no longer just receiving the objects of the sacrament, it was profoundly
intimate, far more intimate than anything I had ever experienced, and if I had to compare it with an ordinary kind of intimacy that we can all relate to, it was more like going on a honeymoon with my new spouse, in comparison to our first kiss.
Mark 14:
22.
And whilst they were eating, Jesus took bread; and blessing, broke and gave to them and said: Take ye. This is my body.
23.
And having taken the chalice, giving thanks, he gave it to them. And they all drank of it.
24.
And he said to them: This is my blood of the new testament, which shall be shed for many.

More importantly to me, as the family I grew up with and the family I tried to build with a husband both terribly deserted me when I needed them, my family of Catholics in the body of Christ has amazingly embraced and accepted me;
Matthew 12:
49.
And stretching forth his hand towards his disciples, he said: Behold my mother and my brethren.
50.
For whosoever shall do the will of my Father, that is in heaven, he is my brother, and sister, and mother.

all of us here, and all over the world, who participate in the Holy Eucharist are not only joined individually to the body of Christ, but also completely united as family of the Lord and of one another.

I feel totally blessed to be in communion with Christ and with you all.

By the way, my friendships formed here at Christ Renews His Parish retreat and formation gave me the courage to get the DNA test done and prove I am J.F.'s mother! Meeting such fine sisters is better than 18 years in therapy for abuse and depression.
I am very glad that my relationship with J.F. has always been a strong friendship, but it has certainly grown since we have discovered we are mother and son. Now all of the confusion in our lives makes sense,
and we can understand some things we could never figure out before.
He makes me laugh and shares his aspirations with me, as well as things that trouble him, and he even calls me "Mom".
My daughters are glad to have a big brother, and have been much more
understanding of me since this all came out.




2 scriptures I could use if I figure out where to put them;
Romans 12:
4.
For as in one body we have many members, but all the members have not the same office:
5.
So we, being many, are one body in Christ; and every one members one of another:
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1 Corinthians 12:
12.
For as the body is one and hath many members; and all the members of the body, whereas they are many, yet are one body: So also is Christ.
13.
For in one Spirit were we all baptized into one body, whether Jews or Gentiles, whether bond or free: and in one Spirit we have all been made to drink.