sometimes I have to face hard truths about myself, like my fear of being judged. I know, it seems like that isn't one of my big problems, but it really is. I had to look at myself a bit harder today, because it was clear I wasn't being completely upfront and honest about my self image. It started as a simple thing, a friend offered me clothing, which was very kind of her. I was dismissive and unintentionally hurt her feelings. It was entirely because of how I was covering up the extent of my depression....... I don't actually need MORE clothing, I am simply not taking care of the ones I have properly, or even caring for myself as I should, and running into a laundry pile and the depression slump is not getting better.
I hope I can make sure my friend sees how sorry I am about slighting her, she didn't deserve it and I didn't realize I was doing it. I was just trying to avoid having anyone know how poorly my emotional state is doing.
There is not a bushel basket big enough to hide me under.
I feel so stupid. I know it is more important to be open and honest than it is to fear judgement, but I have suffered cruel judgement so many times in my life it seems automatic to expect everyone to just detest me if they know me well enough.
That is pretty depressing right there. My sister, J.T., is judgemental of me, and seems to be rattling my cage a lot lately..... NOT the interaction I have hoped for. Expecting anything to change may be useless too, but I do keep praying. and waiting. and praying.
I'm very frustrated and sad.
Anyone who has been the target of abuse probably knows this feeling well, but it is doggone hard to face anyway. Fear of judgement, fear of rejection, self loathing are all things our perpetrators foist on us to cripple and confuse us, to keep their evil betrayals in operation.
Making the victim look feeble, foolish and possibly insane are such great ways to hide the truth of the abuse, and the abuser goes merrily on.
Leaving the scarred and pathetic victim demoralized and broken and ripe for repeat offenders to jump right into their lives..... like sharks frenzied after chumming the waters.
Self respect. it is still a distant goal.
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