I am thinking about how far I have come, and how much closer to my goals I am now.
Back in 1998, as I was living in a trailer, 'house-sitting' for a stranger in the middle of nowhere with no radio or tv, no income and nobody I could count on, griving the loss of my youngest daughter... in the middle of the silence and despair, I had a feeling of hearing a still small voice, like a tiny child. I paid attention to it. I thought, if this is my 'inner child' I need to listen. As I listened, it seemed the tiny voice was crying.
I asked; What are you crying for?
and listening more, I felt the answer was; I'm afraid.
So I asked; What are you afraid of?
in the stillness, listening, I felt the answer again; "I'm afraid you will never be my mother."
I was astonished, and wondered if I was trying to tell myself I needed to have another baby. I knew that, as long as I was on anti-depressants, that must never happen, as it would damage a baby's developement.
I thought about this and prayed about it for months, and finally made the choice to start weaning myself off the meds. I went slowly, reducing the dosage for a few months until I was off them completely.
I absolutely suffered more depression, but I was finally feeling a bit healthier, my hands were not shaking so badly, I stopped the violent vomiting, and eventually the other side effects of the medication all went away too, but some of it lingered on for years, and the loss of focus while reading persists today.
I was not sure why I was having this feeling about a baby. I was very sure I did not want to risk getting involved with another bad man. So, I just kept working on myself.
The therapist I was seeing agreed to have an associate teach me self hypnosis to seek out the missing memories in my life. He showed me how to relax and let my mind focus on something before the missing memories, and then just wait for the memories to come back.
Some results were immediate.
Some results took many more years.
Sometimes I didn't try. Sometimes I journaled my dreams. Some times I just wondered.
Several years went past, and lots of turmoils came and went, keeping my mind to busy to make much progress..... and in 2008, after a big personal crisis, I moved to Indiana to a town I had never seen, to a new church community, a new therapist, everything new, except for my missing memories.
I still needed answers.
I met new friends. I attended the retreat and formation process mentioned in earlier posts...... and finally the reason for the tiny interior crying child's voice made it's way into my awareness. 42 years earlier I had a son.
it is 44 years now, and I am so happy to have my personal history, as painful as it is, finally intact, and finally I am free from the tiny crying voice, the nightmares of faceless people stealing my baby boy from me [which began in 1967]. Finally my self awareness is restored and I feel whole.
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I have goals; to get the records of what happened at the hospital my parents took my son to after he was born.
I intend to get the birth certificate corrected, with my name for his mother.
I intend to have siblings and other people accept my truth.
I want to see my son, and have my kids all together and get a family portrait done.
I want positive direction.
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