what passes for wisdom

every day I see platitudes posted online, people advise;
forget about the past, don't think about sad things, just live for now....
etc., etc.

Life is not that simple. As one who struggles daily to get anything done
and is constantly bombarded with painful memories, I have to say;
it is not that simple!
Get a clue.
When someone is tortured throughout childhood, abused and used and disrespected repeatedly by one bastard after the next, how do you just forget about it?
I see a commercial on tv, it reminds me of my son being stolen from me.
A story on the internet, reminds me of having been raped.
over and over again.
Talk about ending bullying........... and I say it does not end in childhood. Subtle emotional bullying, telling me how I should feel, what I should think, how I should react....... but they MEAN well.
Well meaning is often just an excuse for not bothering to think about how someone feels, and just spouting out advice like vitamins and candy bars.... go ahead, this will make you feel better.

What if I'm not supposed to feel better?
Isn't 'feeling better' just another way of saying it was alright for them to do what they did to me?
If I shut up and walk away, maybe somebody somewhere is thinking their abusive actions against their victim is alright, after all, nobody ever complains......... maybe everyone really DOES forget about it and go on acting as though they are ok.

I'm NOT O.K.

I'm somewhat better off than I was, as I never let anyone abuse me for a second now.
I tell them to cut the shit out.
If they don't listen, they are out of my life.

When you are 57 years old and you start calling the shots, making your own choices, and not having to answer to anyone, that's an improvement.
Do I forget?
Not for a minute.
Forgetting would leave me wide open for more abuse.

Migraines

I may just mention migraines on several occassions, as they occur pretty often lately. Terribly often.
Today was better, but only just slightly.

I know the migraines get triggered by stressful thoughts and situations, as well as food allergies, but it seems impossible to keep them from coming over and over again.

I only got 2 hours sleep last night, so I am hoping and praying for better results tonight.

I did remember one thing that I'm not sure I ever really remembered before.
in 1967,Good Friday, March 24th, we had half a day at school. when I was walking home from school due to missing the bus, I noticed a few drops of blood on my white pattent leather shoes, and I remember feeling cramps. It was a pretty long walk, and I was alone.
When I got home, my mother saw the blood and told me I must have had a nose bleed. I never had a nose bleed, and she knew I was near the end of my pregnancy, but she did what she always did; cover the truth. I remember her telling others that I had a nose bleed, and she told me that over and over, like it became true by saying it.
She was nearly right, it seemed true when she always repeated lies.
I don't know where she learned that, but it is always wrong to force a child to live a lie. So, maybe the truth hurts a bit, or is uncomfortable to deal with, but the lie is a death sentence to my spirit. I lost so much of myself with her constant lies.
She lied to herself too, as she fully believed herself to be an honest person.

How revolting.

rough day again

I always look forward to going to group therapy, and the ladies there are all struggling as I do, but today effected me adversely.
I was not prepared for so much of the graphic nature of topics,
and it left me feeling ill and I ended up having a panick attack tonight and am too depressed to enjoy my online games. I left a message for my therapist, and hope we can be a bit more sensitive to my reactions, so it doesn't keep messing me up.
I don't want anyone to get less than their needs met, so I have to find a happy medium for discussions.

Some things hit me like a hammer.

I also had a long talk with my son this evening. He really understands me, and he told me about how my mother shared the misery of the situation I had in my first marrige with her sister, and that her sister cried when she heard what was going on. I never knew they had this conversation, and both women are deceased now. I did share some things with my aunt, and I know she always wanted things to be better for me and my children. I do not believe she knew about my son not being mom's child, but being dad's and mine...... but she was aware that it was unsafe to have my father around. I assured her she was smart to send him away when he came to her house for a place to stay...... he was completely unable to control his own behaviour. Alcohol may have helped him forget what a creep he was, but it never helped him alter his behaviour.

Men that abuse women and children are also torn up wretched souls, and all of humanity needs to come to Christ and be healed, and repent of their wrong doing.
it is not simple, but it is possible.

Pornography

This is a subject that has recently come up in a private conversation, and one that hits my heart so storngly I have to address it. I have heard it refered to as a "Victimless Crime", and nothing could be farther from the truth.

Every person involved in the production of pornography has an internal injury that our eyes can not see. If all of the dehumanizing and objectifying action that have ever been perpetrated on the individuals in these photographs could visually resemble bullet wounds, scourge marks, swollen bruises, stab wounds.......... how could anyone stand to look on the images?

Our statistics show that 1 in every 4 women is a victim of rape. Violence against women does not occur without a root cause. Pornography inspires abuse, and is itself inspired BY abuse. The viewing of such images for "harmless pleasure" in actual fact does great harm, to marriages, to families, to the heart and soul of the viewer....... the harm pervades and perverts all of society.



Imagine if you will, that each and every photo is of someone's daughter, or son, mother or father, sister or brother, and their bodies have been used, their personal self esteem twisted and damaged, and their chance to be truly valued for the beautiful soul that they were created to be is so unlikely to ever be healed...........



Then see how the objectification of those so-called willing parties, when viewed, inspire the twisted objectification of other people in our lives; wives, sisters, mothers, daughters, sons, friends, relatives....... are being viewed by someone, some where every day. Viewed by persons whose lust has been heightened and sent off-center to inspired agression and actions that result in crimes and torment, and deaths........



If your own mother is walking down the street, minding her own business, and such a twisted person encounters her, is she safe from harm? Can you allow your innocent children to go to the playground to possibly come into the grasp of someone bent on vile aspirations?



I see more victims.



And the viewer, 'harmlessly' pursuing the pleasure that seems so 'normal' and 'acceptable' in our society........

how far away from the grand spirit that God intends us to become, in HIS image, does that casual viewer take himself or herself on a journey that often result in a one way trip?



I see more victims.

depression mode

october has always been a difficult month for me, I keep getting older.
it's crazy shifts in weather patterns, daylight slipping away, and just sadness.

my youngest sister called today, she always talks for a good while, and I appreciate it a lot. after that, my son called, and that is always good.
I actually talked to both of my daughters today too, and still I am lonely and depressed. there is just about nothing to eat in the house, and no prospects for getting anything. poverty makes a serios dent in my mental health. hunger sucks. and it isn't productive, like dieting to lose weight, ok, that's rarely productive either. it just makes me drag through the days, I keep busy mentally online, and do a lot of crocheting, but I'm just doggone hungry when it comes down to it.

I left a message for the food pantry at church, but nobody called back. I made sure to say that I have no food for the weekend, but perhaps no volunteers came in to hear the message.

it gets old.

what happened?

I just wrote a long rant, and it disappeared! ok, here's a short one, let's see how this goes.

pains

I have to seriously wonder if emotional pain can cause lupus and fybromialgia....... it is certain that emotional pain excellorates physical pain, and physical pain makes depression worse. it can really be a nasty cycle, one thing growing off the other.

I wait for months to get a visit from my daughter and my grandson, but the visit always is too much physical exertion and I suffer so much pain by the time they go that it takes me days to recover. Anguish is a direct result of that.

Has anyone ever done a study to see how many adult survivors of childhood abuse turn out to have chronic pain conditions? From my experiences with other survivors, I have to say there must be a link. How can men keep getting away with doing so much permanant damage to us and also ruin our medical conditions? The cost is high, so high I don't know why they are even allowed to live. Not just because it effects the one survivor, but it also goes on to future generations and spreads agony through communities and so far there is no end in sight.

If bank robbers were allowed to just go on doing what they do, banks would be out of business and people would go back to the barter system in order to make any purchases. See, if money were taken directly from MEN, police would act imediately. Judges would slam down the gavel and guards would clang shut the barred doors.

Child molestors and rapists roam freely.