it's 3:20 am, and I was in bed trying to sleep, but my thoughts are troubling me too much. I keep thinking about the one time when we lived on Gainsboro Rd when Mom came out of her bedroom around 5 in the morning and found me awake, having gotten up to use the bathroom and get a drink.
And for the first minute when I saw her, I was dumbfounded, because I had not seen her without the fake pregnant belly before, and there she was, in her night gown with a flat belly. I felt a burning tingling sensation up the back of my neck and my head was filling with fright. I asked her what happened to her, and was pointing at her belly, and she said "Oh good grief, what are you doing up this early?" and she went back in her room and came back a few minutes later with her large belly and a robe over her night gown.
I could not figure it out. She told me she was pregnant, everyone thought she was. She acted like nothing happened, and sent me back to bed.
How could I know my mother was a liar? How could I guess what her plan was? When ever I complained of any of my physical symptoms, she would give me some lame explanation and pretend there was nothing odd about it.
I had no way of knowing I was the one who was pregnant. I knew I was supposed to be ashamed of my shape, but I was never told why. I was certainly never told what to expect when I went into labor, up until then, I thought all babies needed to be born in hospitals, I thought ceasarian was the only way to give birth.... an operation.
I was only twelve after all.
I keep trying to forgive her for the lies and the shame imposed on me.
I don't know how long it will take me to deal with this though, it did take 42 years for me to finally face the truth.
It also took me 35 years to recognize that a young man who had sex with me when I was still fifteen actually raped me. It was not violent, it was sneaky. He had gotten me really stoned on pot, and tried really hard to make out with me, but I kept turning him down. Finally he left, and I went to sleep. He came back a while later and put his hand through the window screen where I was spending the night and woke me up and told me he was locked out of his house. I went and let him in the front door, stumbled back to bed, and continued sleeping. I didn't even know he was in the room with me until I awakened in the middle of sex.
He gave me a bunch of lines, pretended he was in love with me, and i was confused, because I did not remember saying yes to him.
I never did say yes to him that night. He was very manipulative for an 18 year old, and I was naive.
Taking years to deal with stuff seems the way I tend to manage, with the exception of protecting my girls from a monster, I stepped up quickly on that one. My children always make me braver and faster.
Being brave is not easy, especially when all alone. I'm still learning.
Hey, I'm only 56 years old now.
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