turmoil and disfunction

there are a lot of things that come from having been abused, everybody knows there is depression, anger, cycles of more abuse/victimizations in families, spousal abuse, elder abuse. What is bothering me most often is the post traumatic stress; horrible nightmares, insomnia, family members who are in various stages of denial, and poverty. Obviously not all victims become poverty stricken, but poverty is often the result of abuse, and certainly comes from bad spouses who abuse then abandon you to let you scrape together whatever you can after they have used you up and left you penniless.

Our government is partially responsible, for not enforcing it's own laws about fair division of household monies in all divorces, and by punishing the downtrodden every time we try to make a step forward, they keep pushing us back and taking away our livelihood.

Making better laws is crucial. Women and children will always be the most abused and dispossessed if we do nothing to stop it. All spouses with earnings should be required to put in to social security for their spouses, and gender has no boundries here, wives can abuse husbands too, so don't think this is a 'man-hater's club, not at all. Equality in finances is simply the first and most important thing to make us free from more abuses.

If I had been working for someone other than my husband for 10 years, my social security would be almost double what it is, I had no idea he cheated me out of my work earnings by never claiming me as an employee.
Does the government care to intervien? Nope.
Big surprise.

Life is hard enough without bullies in every direction. We need to grow better people.

2:47 am Wednesday

I just finished the 26th day of my devotional total consecration, and prayed the glorious mysteries of the rosary.
I am getting a lot more out of my devotional this year, since it is helping me to deal with the anger at my mom....... meditating on the purity and wisdom of Mary, as a model of motherhood, reminds me of how short I fall of perfection, and also reminds me that my mother was also an abuse victim.
Being a victim does not excuse her becoming an abuser, but it does show that she remained in the cycle of abuse by not facing her abusers and by allowing them to continue in their depravity.
I did not do that. I stood up to dad, to my first husband, to men who abused me [for the most part] as well as to men who were wrong to my children.

I got part of it right. I hope to someday be a better person than I am, so my children can be proud of me. Maybe I can even be an inspiration for them in outliving the abusers of this world, and being determined to thrive rather than meerly survive.

Survival is really not enough.

Palm Sunday 2011

I went to late Mass with Gerry Markham @ Our Lady of Grace in Highland.
it is a very big church, a bit too big for my comfort.

I am still going through the Total Consecration to Jesus through Mary, and am on day 24 now.
When I was praying the joyful mysteries and meditating on how Mary gave birth to Jesus and then wrapped him in swaddling cloths and laid him in the manger, it made me cry, because I wanted to hold my son when he was born, and he was just taken away from me and never given back. I would have loved nothing more than to hold him and make sure he was alright.

People comment on how rough it must have been giving birth in a stable, and I'm sure if you compare it to a nice clean hospital or even a cozy room in a house, it was poor conditions. But modern people forget how many women in the world never have a hospital or a warm comfortable place to stay when they are having their babies. I prefer to think of how very wonderful it was for them that angels guarded them, and shepherds came and guarded them all night...... and wise men came from far away lands to kneel and give gifts.
It could have been worse.

Angels also warned Joseph in a dream to hide in egypt rather than have the baby killed by Herod's men. All of the other male babies there were killed.

Today, millions of babies are killed every year all over the world, as we have a new "Herod" called planned parenthood, which should be named planned genocide.

All babies are precious. All babies deserve life and love.

cycle of abuse

I have read that abuse goes through families, generation after generation,
and it is certainly true in my family. My mother was abused by a neighbor when she was 6 years old, and said that 2 of her brothers were inappropriate with her at some time. I think that was just the tip of the iceberg.

Having been vicitimized by my father, and not protected by my mother...... who eventually became more than an enabler for him, but planned and carried out a terrible cover up at my expense. And my son's expense. And my daughters, who lost years of family time with their brother because of the lies and trauma inflicted by my parents.

Some people actually teach their daughters about the proper way to date, how to pick out a decent boyfriend/husband.... but this was not taught to me, mainly because neither of my parents had a clue or a desire to teach me anything useful. Cooking and household chores were the only things I was taught by them. Those very talents were used to punish me for having a baby, when I had no voice in any of it.

When I was aware of what was going on, I wanted to keep him. Even when I was too traumatized and in denial, I still wanted to figure out a plan to get him away from them. I never figured out a way, and my life became too full of crisis situations to even think straight for decades.
I did my very best raising my girls, and battling for their safety from my first X........... years of hiding and worrying, followed by massive amounts of grief when my youngest was murdered.

Abuse is a cycle we must put an end to. We absolutely must put our foot down and refuse to allow it. Speak the truth loudly and clearly, and don't give in to any bullying tactics and manipulations of the perpetrators.
EVER.

I have certainly found inspiration and solace in scripture, and can relate to how Joseph, Mary and baby Jesus had to flee and hide from evil perpetrators.
God is faithful to provide their needs, and always provides for us when we trust in Jesus.

There is a time to run, and a time to hide, and a time to stand firm and a time to fight. You can more easily discern these times when you keep close to the Lord in prayer.

I'm not talking about looking for mysterious signs, but for opportunities, directions and wisdom. Surround yourself with women of faith and wisdom. Share concerns, ideas and support. Be a friend to those in need, keep your eyes open and your mind sober.

tuesday april 12

this is the first year I did not start a novena for dad's birthday, which will be on sunday. I have been very depressed and having lots of nightmares when I manage to sleep.

I got up after 2 hours sleep this morning and went to 8:15 Mass with my friend S. deJ. and attended the rosary meeting afterwards. I had a minute to talk privately with Fr. M., and shared with him how important the Christ Renews His Parish retreat and formation was to me, as I finally got the acceptance and support and encouragement I needed to face some hard truths, and get the DNA results for me and my son.
Fr. was astonished, which also proves everything I shared at the retreat really was confidential......... a big room full of ladies without gossip!
Anyway, I wanted to make sure he knew how powerful this group is and to keep looking towards having more retreats in the future.
He gave me a hug, he's a very nice priest.

I did get to have a ride for group therapy on wednesday, my neighbor is driving me.

spiritual journey

I am currently doing the Total Consecration to Jesus through Mary, and am on day 16 of 33. When I pray this prayer aloud;



Ave Maris Stella

Hail, O Star of the ocean,
God's own Mother blest,
ever sinless Virgin,
gate of heav'nly rest.
Taking that sweet Ave,
which from Gabriel came,
peace confirm within us,
changing Eve's name.
Break the sinners' fetters,
make our blindness day,
Chase all evils from us,
for all blessings pray.
Show thyself a Mother,
may the Word divine
born for us thine Infant
hear our prayers through thine.
Virgin all excelling,
mildest of the mild,
free from guilt preserve us
meek and undefiled.
Keep our life all spotless,
make our way secure
till we find in Jesus,
joy for evermore.
Praise to God the Father,
honor to the Son,
in the Holy Spirit,
be the glory one. Amen.



I cannot help but see how perfect a Mother Mary was and is, in comparison to my earthly mother, and also compared to me.
even the part about 'undefiled' is not possible for us to be, as were were violated against our will. I know my mother was a shy and anxious type of person, quite different form myself, and she probably did not even voice objections to the ones who violated her, while fought tooth and nail.

I do know, when I became aware that my husband was harming my daughters, I put a stop to it. It was not a simple thing to do, monsters do not quietly go away. But I was willing to die to save my children.
My mother was unwilling to suffer shame for my sake.

Anyway, the fact that our heavenly mother is so perfect helps me to see my own faults, and to be a bit more forgiving of my mother's, although I can not understand the inaction and enabling she did.

I still have a long journey to forgiveness.

emotional moment

I just got an email message from my sister who has not spoken to me in over a year and a half, since I first announced that J.F. is my son, not my brother.
I have prayed for some kind of breakthrough, and even though she only asked some personal medical questions since she had a medical event of her own a few months ago, it is still some kind of communication.

I will keep praying, and try not to get too much hopes up....... we have had a difficult relationship since 1967 or so.

I am currently going through the Total Consecration to Jesus through Mary by Saint Louis de Montfort, and it is helping me to feel some relief from the anger at my mother, because God has given me a heavenly mother, one who will never betray me or leave me like an orphan.
If you are reading this blog, you might find it as I post it on one of my other blogs as I go though it daily.

patron of rape victims

Wednesday, April 06, 2011
Blessed Pierina Morosini

Today's saint of the the day is Blessed Pierina Morosini, virgin and martyr (1931 - 1957), patron of rape victims and martyr of purity.


Martyr for Purity and Dignity of the Woman

Pierina Morosini, daughter of Roque Morosini and Sara Norris, was born on January 7, 1931 in Fiobbio di Albino, Bergamo, Italy. Pierina was the eldest of nine children in this impoverished family. She was a young, devout woman, known as to be deeply in love with God and a faithful Catholic. Pierina received the Sacrament of Confirmation at age 6 and began attending daily mass, rising at 5 am in order to attend mass at 6 am. After mass, she would return home and then travel ½ hour to the village to go to school. Pierina was very talented and was the best student in her class but her family was poor and at the age of 11 she had to leave her studies in order to go to learn the trade of tailoring. At age 15, she began working at a cotton spinning mill in Albino. Still attending daily mass, she joined the Third Order Franciscans, taking vows of poverty, chastity and obedience.

Pierina was very active in the Church, working as a catechist, collecting offerings for seminarians and doing other works. An important event in her life was her pilgrimage to Rome, in 1947, to attend the Beatification of Maria Goretti, during which she said, “It would be a great happiness for me to die like Maria Goretti.” Her friends responded by saying,” If you die as she did, we promise to come to your beatification.” Pierina was ready to suffer and having already received suffering from the Lord…she never complained.

Pierina was attacked by a 20 year old man on April 4, 1957. In defense of her virginity, she took a stone to hit her aggressor, but he took the stone from her and struck her on the head with it.

She fell down on the path where she was later found by her brother, Santo. The parish priest, who was called immediately, gave her the Last Sacraments and was then sent to a hospital in Benevento. She died on April 6, 1957.

Pierina was buried on April 9, 1957. Even then, she was already believed to be a saint and everyone wanted to touch her coffin. On April 9, 1983, her remains were carried from the cemetery to the parish church. Her body appeared to be in a good state of preservation.

When Pope John Paul II beatified her in Rome in 1987, he spoke of her as a symbol of purity in our violent, modern world.

Her canonization is pending.

Impaired judgement

We have all had some occassion to make bad choices, but never so much as when judgement is impaired by the use of alcohol and drugs. Certainly this is not a new problem, I'm sure that men have taken advantage of impaired women for centuries, or longer. We probably all know better than to meet strangers in bars, or maybe not. There are some men that will tilt the scales in their favor by drugging you without your knowledge or consent, and then rape you when you can't defend yourself. We should never have any open drink when we are not among trustworthy friends. Notice, I did not say trusted, but trustworthy. Women that have been abused as children can often not tell the difference between trustworthy and untrustworthy men, so becoming impaired is never a good idea.

Teens need to be made aware of this danger before they find out the hard way. Peer pressure makes bad choices all of the time. Teach your children how to have safe boundaries, and how to stand their ground when being pressured by ANYONE. Girls can push other girls into bad situations as certainly as boys can.

Being aware of your surroundings, not too busy texting or on the phone or with ear-pieces for music........ do not make yourself a target by being oblivious to what is going on around you. When using your cell phone in public places, NEVER talk loudly telling your plans of where you are going or [pay attention teens] announce that your parents think you are really going somewhere else...... TARGET! Any predator hearing such information will gladly follow you until they can gain easy access to you.

Avoid jogging/running alone, traveling alone on public transportation, walking on dark streets where nobody is able to assist you.
I know, this is harder to accomplish if you're a single woman living alone.
One way to be safer, believe it or not, is to readily look strangers in the eye and say hello as they walk near you, getting a clear look at their face makes you less of a target, and saying a cheerful greeting puts them in mind of the fact that you have seen them.

That kinda flies in the face of the old standby; never speak to strangers....
but really makes better sense.
Avoid getting within arm's reach of strangers. This is always best, maintain an area of space around yourself, your personal zone of comfort.
No trespassers!

Some women want to carry a weapon. Keep in mind, it could be taken away from you and used against you. Mace [or pepper spray] is safer than a knife or gun, but the simplest things are best; wear enough clothing to cover your body well. Skin showing, or underwear showing can trigger bad acts from some men. The porn industry relies on that fact.
Advertising companies rely on that fact. Men are visually aroused before anything else.
If they see it, they want to see more, if they see more, they want it.
Make good use of your full length mirror before going out every day.
Turn your back on the mirror, then turn around quickly, and see what is the first thing you notice about yourself. If your eyes are drawn to your hair or face, that's good, if your clothing makes you notice any of your private areas right away, you need to rethink your outfit.
Designer jeans direct the eyes towards your private areas.
Tops that are low cut in the neckline advertise too much.
Fitted clothes with decoration along the bustline or patch pockets on the backside can give the wrong attention to others.

Personally, I avoid wearing a belt and shoe laces, because both items have been used when my father attacked me to tie my wrists. I wear slip on shoes and no belts.
I don't make all of the safest choices though, as I do like to wear a scarf in the winter, so I make my own of bulky yarns so they are less useful for making strong knots.
It is still possible to be strangled, and if you are already subdued,
your own pantyhose or stockings can be used against you. I don't wear those either, but wear socks [short ankle ones].

If you are out driving by yourself, NEVER open your window or door to speak to a male policeman, insist they get a female officer on the scene.
This goes double if someone hits your car, some guys cause an accident so they can get you out of your car.
It is also true that, some guys will hit you with your car when you are walking, so they can get out to take you 'to the hospital', and get you into their car and take you away.

Get self defense training as soon as possible. Get your girl friends together for self defense lessons. You might get a group rate.

We are not safer just because we get to be old and unattractive either, and should never think all of our efforts make us entirely safe,
there is likely somebody out there that targets old fat and shabby looking women, so don't be caught off guard.

Nursing homes have offenders in them too. Elder abuse is a serious problem, since you may really be at their mercy. I keep my finger nails sharp, in a nursing home, sharp toenails might be a good idea too.
Our legs are stronger than our arms. If you can't run, kick.

BE LOUD and don't be silent. Offenders don't want anyone to notice what they are up to. Make a whole lot of noise.

I have been blessed with really strong teeth. I am not afraid to bite, and draw blood. I once badly bruised a guy right through his denim jeans.
He didn't make any mistakes with me again.

Yeah, I knew him. He complained about the bruise. I bit until HE was screaming.

Children need special self defense instructions. Tailor the general ideas of boundaries and awareness to their understanding.
ALL children need to know their own name, parents names and address and phone number.
Make up a song and they will learn it and remember it.
Take them around their own neighborhood when they are very young, and teach them the names of the streets, introduce them to neighbors by name,
and mention that "Mommy doesn't know those people, they are strangers".
Teach them to never go away with an adult who promises candy or a puppy or kitten if they come along. "Not without my Mommy/Daddy" is something they can practice saying.

Check the security in your children's schools. Are all faculty members and staff finger printed and background checked?
Is there someone watching all doors for intruders?
Can parents roam the halls unattended?
Is the playground safe?
Is the parking lot safe?
What is the proceedure if you are late picking them up?
Are they aware of any special need for protection from an estranged family member?

Do you have ideas I didn't think of including? Make comments.

Survival

I'm all about survival. Not just my own, but everyone's. Our society is in a bad spiral down in the wrong direction, unless we act to stop child abuse, spousal abuse, human trafficking, porn......... all of these things diminish us all and tear down morality and debase humanity.

We must be active in our own communities, volunteer to work in teen centers, nursing homes, your church sunday school and religious ed programs,
be involved in your own children's lives, and get to know their friends well, well enough to guide them towards a better future.

One person can make a difference, even a few hours a month, doing good and inspiring others, good is contageous. Spread it viral!

I tried to get some sleep

it's 3:20 am, and I was in bed trying to sleep, but my thoughts are troubling me too much. I keep thinking about the one time when we lived on Gainsboro Rd when Mom came out of her bedroom around 5 in the morning and found me awake, having gotten up to use the bathroom and get a drink.
And for the first minute when I saw her, I was dumbfounded, because I had not seen her without the fake pregnant belly before, and there she was, in her night gown with a flat belly. I felt a burning tingling sensation up the back of my neck and my head was filling with fright. I asked her what happened to her, and was pointing at her belly, and she said "Oh good grief, what are you doing up this early?" and she went back in her room and came back a few minutes later with her large belly and a robe over her night gown.
I could not figure it out. She told me she was pregnant, everyone thought she was. She acted like nothing happened, and sent me back to bed.

How could I know my mother was a liar? How could I guess what her plan was? When ever I complained of any of my physical symptoms, she would give me some lame explanation and pretend there was nothing odd about it.
I had no way of knowing I was the one who was pregnant. I knew I was supposed to be ashamed of my shape, but I was never told why. I was certainly never told what to expect when I went into labor, up until then, I thought all babies needed to be born in hospitals, I thought ceasarian was the only way to give birth.... an operation.

I was only twelve after all.

I keep trying to forgive her for the lies and the shame imposed on me.
I don't know how long it will take me to deal with this though, it did take 42 years for me to finally face the truth.

It also took me 35 years to recognize that a young man who had sex with me when I was still fifteen actually raped me. It was not violent, it was sneaky. He had gotten me really stoned on pot, and tried really hard to make out with me, but I kept turning him down. Finally he left, and I went to sleep. He came back a while later and put his hand through the window screen where I was spending the night and woke me up and told me he was locked out of his house. I went and let him in the front door, stumbled back to bed, and continued sleeping. I didn't even know he was in the room with me until I awakened in the middle of sex.
He gave me a bunch of lines, pretended he was in love with me, and i was confused, because I did not remember saying yes to him.
I never did say yes to him that night. He was very manipulative for an 18 year old, and I was naive.

Taking years to deal with stuff seems the way I tend to manage, with the exception of protecting my girls from a monster, I stepped up quickly on that one. My children always make me braver and faster.

Being brave is not easy, especially when all alone. I'm still learning.
Hey, I'm only 56 years old now.